yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
