Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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