I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
