Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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