you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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