She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
