I wish I only lived at night.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
