I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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