??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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