My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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