I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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