dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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