I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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