At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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