I want to walk on stilts...naked
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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