im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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