3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
