He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i love accidental penises.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize