The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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