I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
