you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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