I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
