Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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