Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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