just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
