Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I have tasted many bathrooms
Oh god it's open bar.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize