I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
