Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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