my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
