you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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