Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
