She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
