We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
