i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There r osticjed everywhere
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize