just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
