sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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