Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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