She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
