Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
