A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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