Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
