U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
