New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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