Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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