i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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