Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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