I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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