Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
