all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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