Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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