Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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