Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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