So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
