I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
did i walk over a car last night?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I have aggressive nipples.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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