if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
