seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
