every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
