you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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