I'm jealous of your bromance
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Randomize
