Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
