No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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