I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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