His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My liver just had a heart attack.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
