im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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