dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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