You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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