The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
